I know, I’ve been absent far too long. Truth is, finding this working/living/breathing mommy flow is harder than I thought it would be. I find myself simultaneously wanting to work, relax, punch something, sleep, clean and cry all day, but also wanting to laugh, play and have lots of one on one time with the little guy who is just growing so fast. I have not found the balance yet.
I feel like there is always a strive for balance…a sweet spot if you will. A place where everyone is chill and in sync, like a school of fish just swimming along…baby is chill, dad is chill, and mom is chill. I have come to realized this place may not exist. We are not chill (and I’m positive many families aren’t). My husband and I have no idea what we are doing, or how to schedule anything in relation to work, life and our child. Our “routine” changes almost every week. Then there is our little offspring. A 5 month old who has decided he’s just going to blast through infancy and sloth like movements and instead focus on the higher levels of sitting up and crawling and shit. This is tough because we went from like 2 to 10 in a blink and now I can’t put him down and expect him to stay in one place. I wonder my eye around the room for one second, look back and he has scooted across the floor with the corner of the rug shoved in his mouth. This makes it hard to focus on anything but him. Smart little chub monkey. He wins.
The thing is, I thought all of these mobile milestones were supposed to happen MONTHS from now?! WHY. NOW? Just give me one more month of being a burrito baby and I’ll be fine. But the crawling and the shoving anything and everything into his mouth has created yet another state of existence. Besides focusing on working, cleaning, eating, sleeping and all that jazz, I also have to keep my child alive, unharmed and in clean clothes. The only thing I can think of is how much more intense it would be with TWO. oof. All you mama’s with more than one little nugget to watch, you are my hero’s.
The little bean is also in this wonderful phase where he cries if he sees me, and cries if he doesn’t. I know it’s totally normal, but sometimes I find myself on the verge of an emotional breakdown because I don’t know how to make him happy…he cries when he sees my face no matter what. No win in that. I constantly find myself wanting to cope with this wonderful phase by shoving large amounts of cake in my face, and I don’t even like cake!
Ugh. The balance.
All of us are trying to find the balance. Some days I wish it was back to when my only role was to recover from birth and feed my baby, because now, those days feel so simple and perfect.
Some days I wish my adorable, smart, ever growing little poop nugget didn’t want so much stimulation or need to be mobile and active so we could just chill the F*** out.
But then I REALLY think about it, and even though I complain and the stress is real, each day is my new favorite. He’s learning and doing something different every day, and so am I…so I will keep searching for the balance. Some day I’ll get there.